I Just Had No Idea

Early mornings and late nights there is a terrifying silence as all I hear are sound machines carrying through the hall from the babies rooms to my heart beating fast as I lay in what once was our bed all alone. Surrounded by pictures of us together and our life that was suppose to be forever. Tears run down my cheeks as I look up and see “I am my beloved and my beloved is mine” decorative sign and I lay here all alone without my beloved. I had no idea my life would be without you, without the joy you filled our home with. I didn’t know that sweet baby that was growing inside me, that you would feel kick and pray over would never hold a memory of his daddy because you were gone so quickly. I could have never comprehended the utter pain and breaking of my heart I would endure in motherhood as I watch my toddler break down and weep over his daddy, and wanting him here to play with him. I would never have imagined the dark loneliness that would fill my heart where once such happiness filled. I could have never seen this coming or could have imagined the great and unfathomable pain that would rush into our home in the silence of night.

The time I was asked,” are you married?’ while wearing my wedding ring and I started to respond yes but realized it wasn’t true, the ache of my heart continued.

Sometimes when I hold our sweet baby with his big blue eyes and precious little baby curls I cry. I cry because of his innocence. I cry because of what he has been called to endure and the pain he doesn’t even know about that  will come. This precious little baby is fatherless and will never know the great love of his daddy, will never hear him laugh or play peek a boo with him. I cry because when he was born and I held that little bundle I told him that he had no idea how he had the best dad in the world as you looked at us with your big proud smile. I didn’t know that it would be true later, that he wouldn’t know in person how great his daddy was. I am grateful though that he got to hold you and see you.

When we go to birthday parties or events and I’m juggling 2 small toddler and a baby by myself and I see everyone doing it as a family, it makes me realize my calling as a widow. My 3 year old looks around and sees all the daddies and it makes him miss his. I want him to see what family designed by God is like and what marriage is, just never would have imagined it wouldn’t be ours that was his example. We had planned and dreamed of how we would teach them to be godly husbands and lead by example, and now you’re not here to be the other half.

I’m striving to do it by myself and raise godly little men who will be exceptional husbands like you were, God give me strength for the great task.

We have a calling on our family. A journey we wouldn’t have chosen but have to accept and embrace. One that is pain filled yet Jesus filled. A lifelong season of missing part of us and clinging to Christ as our strength and our refuge. Of praying for God to fill the great voids of our lives with more of Him. A practice of surrendering to God’s plan even when I know my life will never be the same. Obedience when it hurts, hoping when I don’t feel or see hope. Trusting the unseen Joy of the Lord when all I do see is brokenness and pain. Believing God is good and does good when there is so much death and hurt in my life. Choosing gratefulness over self pity, choosing to open my eyes to see Gods great workings before me. Continually bringing needs before God and believing He will take care of our family. This is a front row seat to the supernatural as we rely on God for each breath. We can truly say in the deepest valley, God is faithful and never leaves nor forsakes His own. His heart is greater than my hurt.