The Unwanted Title
“I am a widow like you” said the voice of a sweet lady right after hearing my husband went to be the Lord. “Widow, I can’t believe I am a widow” I thought to myself. Here I was 25, with three babies three and under and alone in life. A circumstance I had always feared, doing life without my amazing Patrick, parenting boys alone and not having someone to share life pleasures and pressures with.
Most people desire a title, work hard for it, dream of it and some people go to drastic measures to obtain it. This title is surely not like that, it’s a title no one desires and a journey no one wishes.
Every single time I fill out paperwork and have to check the widow box, it hits me all over again….I am not married. I still feel SO madly in love, still look at my husband longingly but now it’s just through pictures, still speak of him all throughout the day, still wear my wedding ring, and still feel like I am married but I am not. I no longer have an earthly husband, a partner for life, and the only human who fully knew me is permanently gone. It’s a hard reality but one I embrace.
You see, as a widow, it means that God CALLED me to this title. I didn’t want it or seek it, yet He, my sovereign Savior, CHOSE me for this journey. This is God’s perfect will for my life. Christ is now my husband and He will ALWAYS take care of me. Right after hearing my husband died and fearful thoughts barraged me, the Lord whispered in my heart, ” I am your provider and you will never have to fear because I will take care of you”.
My husband bought me flowers one time when he was so broke and it was such a sweet thoughtful sacrifice. I asked him never to buy me flowers again, because it would have to pull from another area in the budget where we needed it more. A couple weeks before he died I told him I would be ok if he bought me flowers now, and secretly was hoping he would just show up one day with some. About two weeks after losing my beloved, I looked in the kitchen and saw several beautiful arrangements with flowers and it was as if the Lord told me, “How am I doing as your husband? I told you I would take care of you.”God showed me in that moment that I am His, He had not forgotten me.
I know He is enough and He will remain true to His promise. He will take care of the widow and the Fatherless. He won’t leave us alone, that is why He sent us Jesus to comfort and carry us thru this journey called life.
Being a widow is hard, it’s lonely and it’s permanent but God’s love is never ending, ever present and more elaborate than anything I could imagine. So I will embrace what I know to be true and thank God for His goodness in allowing me to be His widow.