When going through great loss whether of relationships, dreams, hopes, or realities, the human body doesn’t want to feel the great hurt it’s experiencing.
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Right after my husband went to be with the Lord I was sitting on the front porch talking with my brother Tim and telling him how I was feeling and what I felt like the Lord was doing through this great hurt.
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One year ago today, my amazing 30 year old husband suddenly and unexpectedly died when his heart went out of rhythm and he was ushered into eternity.
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I dreamed of you last night. Everything was familiar about you, you were in good health, good humor and so strikingly handsome. Everything was attractive about you, just like I remember.
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Early mornings and late nights there is a terrifying silence as all I hear are sound machines carrying through the hall from the babies rooms to my heart beating fast as I lay in what once was our bed all alone. Surrounded by pictures of us together and our life that was suppose to be forever.
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Sometimes in grief, your heart remembers things your mind doesn’t. Every time I have looked at August 15th on the calendar my heart told me something was missing. This morning, I woke up and remembered 6 years ago Patrick asked me to be his girlfriend.
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Today would have been our 5 year anniversary, I had no idea when we talked about forever together that it would only mean 4 earthly years.
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*I thought the most perfect way to share our love and engagement story would be for you to hear it from my beloved Patrick who wrote every word of this and gave it to me as a love note years ago. So here it is from him, hope you enjoy his cute commentary.
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9 months you have been gone, the time it takes to grow a life. We would have been expecting number 4 by now and we would have been talking names.
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Our baby turns one today (June 22) and as we celebrate his birth it was incredible to look back and see how the Lord carried us through that difficultly of getting him here healthy and how we had no idea what was around the corner for us.
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“I am a widow like you” said the voice of a sweet lady right after hearing my husband went to be the Lord. “Widow, I can’t believe I am a widow” I thought to myself.
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As I have been walking through the immense loss of my beloved husband, I am reminded of these truths to embrace during any season of suffering that will help align our perspective.
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“Here are his belongings,”the gentleman said and handed me a bag. I walked into the hospital with a husband that day and walked out a widow with just a bag of his belongings.
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It has been almost 6 months since my husband was ushered into heaven, sometimes it feels like it has been years. The change in the seasons to Spring delivers a different load of grief, memories, and pain.
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The advertisements surrounding this time of year screams, “The most romantic Valentines gift you could ever give your wife” but after you read this post, most women would agree with me that this particular Valentine’s gift truly is the best.
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One of my favorite memories with Patrick was our first Valentine’s Day together. We decided that instead of spending the day all about us we would create a tradition to spend Valentine’s Day on others.
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There I sat, in the very place it happened. The room where my husband was ushered into eternity.
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The other night as I was praying I was asking the Lord to remind me of His goodness and show me how to live out life and this season of grief with gratitude.
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Its a New Year. Fresh, nothing set in stone, unpredictable and unmarked. Another journey with just being able to see a single step in front of us, not the whole path ahead.
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This is a post I wrote last January after having a date with my sweet man and talking about things we were working on in our home and marriage. I never posted it and wanted to share it.
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